May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
