am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
