just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
