that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
