Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
