Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
