so explain again why im purple
no
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
