5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
