Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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