I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
