his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize