I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
