That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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