How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize