I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
