I looked at my own cervix.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
