I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
