No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
