I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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