Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
