Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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