My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
