Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
