I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
