its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
