Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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