suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
