Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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