It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
