you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
