If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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