just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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