I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
