My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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