I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
