Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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