There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
