i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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