I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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