I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
