you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
