The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
