I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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