I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
