My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
