Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
