I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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