im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
