all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
