if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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