mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
