i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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