Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
