If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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