This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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