Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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